


Safe

by orphan_account



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23317033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ben's mind races when Callum says he doesn't want to do this anymore and he comes to a realisation. (Or, Ben's POV during the kitchen scene on 24.03.2020.)
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 19
Kudos: 126





	Safe

_I don’t want to do this anymore._

Ben feels like he’s trying to run in a dream as he crosses the kitchen to grab at Callum but he’s panicking and he can’t get hold of him and even when he does, Callum shrugs him off. How often has Ben felt like this? Like he couldn't breathe if he wasn't touching Callum. The way his body ached for him all last summer, the way that night in June sat heavy and thick inside him; not a memory he couldn't shake or an itch he couldn't scratch, no, it was worse. That night tore him open inside. It felt like he had to be careful not to fall into his own self or he'd drown. 

Being with Callum, actually getting to touch him, to stare, really stare and see him and take him in - it felt necessary, fundamental. He couldn't remember how he'd lived without him. 

Breaking up with Callum felt surreal, like an out of body experience and vodka kept him sedated enough to stop from falling, from drowning until Callum came home. But only just. Losing him couldn't happen again. And then it did. Callum, his Callum, taken somewhere, beaten and starved and all Ben could do was scream into his phone and drive around in the dark. Useless, all of it felt so futile. But it was something. He had to do something. And he did. When Callum came home and Ben cupped his face in his hand, he felt the weight of the gun he’d held to his father's head. He couldn't pretend anymore. 

Ben can't rest without Callum, without Callum, Ben can't sit still or sleep through the night. He doesn’t need to remember what it was like before because now he is held by a man who could move mountains. Ben's first night with Paul ended with Paul turning off the bedside lamp. That act of turning off the light was something so mundane that Ben had never thought about it before that moment and yet suddenly, Paul reaching over and switching off the light and then pulling him closer in the dark felt like a revelation. Ben who woke up and saw Stella at the end of his bed years after her death, Ben who'd woken up in so many strange beds he'd lost count, Ben who learned how to stay on the surface of sleep in prison was lying in the dark with a man he loved and who loved him. And he felt safe. Completely safe. When had he ever felt safe?

The day after Ben and Callum got together they went to a party at the Vic and that night Callum made Ben see stars in bed. When he whispered that he should go because he was about to fall asleep and it would confuse Lexi, wouldn't it, him staying over, Ben realised what he'd been missing. What he wanted more than anything. It wasn’t just about holding and being held, the truth is it was bigger than that. He couldn't find the words, he could never find the words, but when he pulled Callum close he felt himself letting go, letting go of things he didn't even know he was holding until that sense of safety enveloped him again for the first time in years. 

It was easy at night, in the dark. He'd nearly told Callum he loved him a hundred different times at 2am. Callum always knew what he needed, Ben didn't have to tell him to hold his wrists down or just hold him, he always just knew. And those long, endless nights were all Ben was clinging to since the accident. Every night he'd get into bed with his head on fire from the effort of this new reality. Then Callum would turn out the light and Ben would find his mouth in the dark and every time was like that first breath after being underwater only he wasn’t cold and alone anymore. 

At night, Callum kisses deep and his hands search out all of Ben’s edges to smooth them out. They find their rhythm in the dark and when they do it's like they exist outside of time. Like it's just the two of them in the whole world. Ben could survive off just that. He misses Callum's voice, misses that sound he makes when Ben does that thing with his tongue but it doesn't break his heart at 2am the way it does in the daylight. Callum's hands all over him soften the blow. Callum’s hands soften everything.

The days are for finding ways to survive until he's watching Callum turn out the light. 

_I don't want to do this anymore_.

Ben reels. Fuck. He has to stop Callum from leaving, he can't live without him, doesn't want to. Can’t, don’t. Ben can’t live without Callum, Callum doesn’t want to do this anymore. It feels like a sick joke but one he’s played on himself. _That’s what happens, when you push people too far._ How did he not see this until it was too late? No, not too late, it can’t be too late.

Callum’s talking fast but Ben catches enough and fuck, he knows, Callum knows everything, a list of atrocities that Ben can’t take in and he pulls at Callum’s coat, his tie, tries to stop him with _I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ but Callum steps back, yells _No!_ and Ben has never felt so far away from anyone in his life and this is it, this time he’s going to go under, he’s drowning. 

_Am I that much of a soft touch to you?!_

God, Ben has to stop him. All of this is wrong, Ben got this so wrong. He buries his face in his hands but finds it in himself to look up and Callum says something he doesn’t catch then repeats it and Ben hears his words this time deep down in his bones.

_What about me?_

Callum standing there, not saviour but human. Only human despite what Ben may have told himself. He can't look at him, not now, not yet. Maybe not ever again. 

The weight of it, all the shame and the fear, is too much to bear. _I know. I'm sorry._ Ben punches the countertop but the pain doesn't register, the overwhelm keeps building, no way out if he can’t feel Callum’s hands on him. _I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry._ Everything. It turns his stomach and then he's bent double under the pressure of it and the pain exploding in his ears. 

The ringing in his head intensifies so he presses his palms into his ears and squeezes his eyes shut and this is easy, if he looks up and Callum is gone or he looks up and Callum is standing there, so far away from him, his eyes scarred with betrayal, he knows he won’t survive it. The kitchen, the house, it all fades, the pain and the counter at his back feel separate and unrelated to this. This endless moment. 

And then, he feels Callum's hand on the back of his head and Ben gasps with relief, not realising he'd been holding his breath and his head is spinning and he clings to Callum and breathing hurts his chest like his lungs are full of glass so he keeps hold of Callum and he keeps hold of Callum and he keeps hold of Callum. 

The feeling of Callum's hands on his head holding him steady keeps him from screaming. And then Callum's hands press against his ears and the overwhelm starts to subside. He starts to cry and he cries until he’s exhausted, and when he stops, Callum does that thing where he lets go by degrees, his hands gently slipping, fingers tracing Ben’s jaw, his throat, one hand lazily grazing his chest, the other sliding down his arm until they’re holding hands. Callum’s way of reminding Ben that he’s real, he’s here, he can feel him. Ben keeps his eyes down, still not ready to look, still not ready to see. 

Callum leads Ben upstairs and closes the curtains and they lay side by side together in their clothes in the semi dark. 

Ben reaches for Callum’s hand and when he finds it, Ben holds tight. 

Ben wants to tell Callum he gets it. Can’t, don’t. He can’t live without Callum, he can only survive. He doesn’t want to just survive anymore. Survival is every man for himself and now he has to find a way to live instead. He has to live with all the things he’s lost and he can, he can if he has Callum. And he does, doesn’t he? 

Ben stares at the ceiling.

He wants to say, _I love you. I'd kill for you. If I could turn a gun on the parts of myself that hurt you, I would. I would. For you, I would._

But it's still light out and the words catch in his throat. When Ben lets go of Callum’s hand, Callum pulls him close, neither of them missing a beat until Ben’s face is buried in Callum’s chest and their legs are intertwined. Callum’s long fingers stroking Ben’s hair, his steady breathing like gentle waves against the shore of Ben’s cheek - he’s not drowning anymore. He’s safe. 

Ben winds his arm around Callum’s chest and pushes his fingers under his back and squeezes him tight. All he wants now is for Callum to feel safe too. 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote something??!! You what??! Posting this as proof. I used to write smut so this is new territory for me and I'm rusty but I was inspired and moved by last night's episode as you can (hopefully) tell. Anyway, I love Callum with my whole heart.


End file.
